It is Law

Many of you may not be aware, but I've been working in the retail world for about a year now. The majority of that time has been spent working with mostly body care, but for the last month I've been working in an actual clothing store. 

I'd like to start off with by saying that I loved my past job and currently love my new job. My bosses/managers have been amazeballs and I've absolutely adore(d) my coworkers. That being said, there is one aspect that doesn't particularly thrill me. 

That would be the customers. Now, I'll add that I've had some completely adorable customers who have just been sweet as pie and wonderful. However, there have been those few that just make me want to punch a wall. So, while being at work one day it hit me- there should be certain "Retail Laws" that should be put into effect and that everyone should follow and everyone will be a whole lot happier. 

1. Thou Shalt Not Bring in Thy Children:

Let's be honest, you don't want your kids there, we don't want your kids there, and they don't want to be there. 

I mean, I'd be lying if I hadn't ever seen some very good and well-behaved children come in with their parents shopping, but 9 times out of 10 they're a nightmare. I swear, every time I hear a child start screaming(which I do, every time I'm at work) I can feel my tubes tying themselves. 

But probably the most annoying thing about the kids is that they come by and mess up the merchandise. In the store I work at we have jewelry towers right up next to the cash register. At the bottom of those towers are the long and dangley necklaces and what do those spawns of demons do? Knot them ALL up.

(actual photo)

And what makes it worse? The parents don't stop them. Seriously? That's costing us money. Do you not realize that? THAT'S MONEY. 

So don't bring in your kids. Unless they are well-behaved or you have them on a leash. 

I'm not kidding. 

2. Thou Shalt Not Leave the Dressing Room a Mess

I know the common thought here would be, "Oh, well they get paid to put away my clothes. So to Hell with it."

Ummm, no. MY job is to help you shop and to sell merchandise. Not to clean up after you. I'm a SALES ASSOCIATE not a MAID. 

And it's just rude. Seriously. 

The worst is when people take the clothes off the hanger, try them on(thus turning the clothes inside-out) then just throwing them in a heap in the fitting room. I'm sorry, did you forget how to put clothes ON a hanger and not just take them off? I didn't realize that was so challenging. 

(actual photo)

This isn't even half as bad as it has been. But seriously, what was so hard about actually putting the clothes back on the hanger? It's just so inconsiderate. 

3. Thou Shalt Not Shop the Sale Section until You Learn to Shop it with Respect. 

I don't understand why, but for whatever reason people think it's okay to trash sale areas. Where did that logic come from? I get it that it's already a little disorganized because it's all different types of clothing and accessories, but what about that makes it okay to throw shirts on the ground and not pick them up? It's a hot mess and it's not a party to go through. But do y'all realize how much nicer the sales would be to rifle through if you actually treated it well? 

4. Thou Shalt Not be Rude

I get it, sometimes you go out and you just don't want to be bothered. I know I sometimes even get annoyed when I go places and then everyone is on my back asking me "How are you doing" or "Are you shopping for a particular reason?" But you know what? I still smile and say I'm good and go on my merry way. Want to know why? Because I know they're just doing their jobs as am I when I'm asking those same questions while I'm working. But it really irks me when I get a customer who literally gives me the stink eye and I can feel the 'tude just radiating off them.

I get it if you're not in the mood to be bugged, but all you have to do is smile and thank them for offering to help you. They're just doing their job.

So Let it be written, so let it be done.

I Ain't Even Mad: Part Three

In my final installment of guilty pleasures it will be exploring the wonderful world of television. I will be upfront and honest and say that I have horrible taste in television. With the exception of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and MMAAYYBBBEE True Blood, I'm pretty sure everything else I watch is total garbage. 

1. America's Next Top Model (2003-)

This show is amazeballs. No matter what, it ALWAYS sucks me in. 13 girls stuck in a house competing for the a chance to become a model? SIGN ME UP. Ironically though, you'd think by watching all these skinny biznitches trying to be models would make me want to get off my butt and try to be more proactive in my weight loss, but NOOOPPEEE. Once I see that 12 hour marathon on the STYLE NETWORK I sit my little tooch down and grab me a big bowl of ice cream and go to town. 

While Tyra may not approve, I still know that I'm

2. Flavor of Love (2006-2008)

Ohmygosh this show is the definition of horrible. It's basically the ghetto version of The Bachelor and I couldn't get enough. 20 women fighting over the affections of a 50-something rapper from the 90s? Total nonsense. And, of course, the majority of the women hated each other and while most of the time constant fighting and yelling on shows gives me slight anxiety, on here it just made me cackle. And while mister Flav did choose a woman to be his girlfriend(by presenting her with gold grillz, might I add) he inevitably had to do TWO more seasons of his show to find a lady love. Apparently third time was NOT the charm and he didn't stay with his final choice and must've realized that maybe, just maybe, a reality dating show wasn't the best way to finding a soulmate.

3. Rock of Love (2007-2008)

This show was basically the exact same as Flavor of Love just instead it was a hasbeen rock star instead of rapper.

4. The Hills (2006-2010)

This is was the best 'reality' TV show ever. Period. The daily dramas of privileged, upper class white females and the boys that were introduced to us. 

First, the ever-so-famous Spencer Pratt. 

Mmmmm, just look at that sexy flesh beard. No wonder Heidi married him........

Probably the Anti-Christ we've been warned about. All Hell broke loose when Miss Heidi Montag started dating him and we watched her beloved friendship with the adorable and the most perfect human being on the planet, Lauren Conrad, crumble to pieces.

Cheese and rice, even her mascara runs perfectly. 

Then along came Justin-Bobby

"A man so great they named him twice."

This little hoodrat was Audrina's first love and became a regular on the show with their stupid issues. She always would complain that their relationship wouldn't move forward when clearly he was just too busy stealing his clothes from a homeless man. (and let's be honest, the only man who can dress like a hobo and still be sexy is Johnny Depp, sorry JB). 

And we mustn't forget about the amazing and insightful quotes.

I don't even care that this show was a total sham, doesn't mean I wasn't ecstatic when MTV did their 'Retro Brunch' and replayed the entire series a couple weeks ago.

5. The O.C. (2003-2007)

Poor, poor little Ryan Atwood. Living in a broken home and just not having much luck in life when a kind-hearted lawyer decides to bring him into his home where he becomes friends with the geeky, Seth Cohen(swoon) and lives next to Marissa Cooper and falls head-over-heels. Pretty soon her bffl, Summer, comes into the picture and she and Seth become one of the most adorable couples on television.

Meanwhile, we're all subjected to the dramatic doings of Orange County where there's death, drugs, sex, and experimenting. You know, normal teenage stuff, obviously. 

I don't even understand how I watched this. Oh yeah, I know why:

6. Gossip Girl (2007-2012)

Clearly, after The O.C. got canceled, the CW needed to fill the teen drama void and thus, Gossip Girl was born. Instead of paying attention to the rich youth of the west coast, now we're enjoying the problems of the entitled teens of the Upper East Side in NYC. 

Initially, this show was centered around Serena van der Woodsen and her frenemy relationship with Blair Waldorf. While you can tell the main focus was supposed to be on Serena and her love life(mainly with outsider, Dan Humphrey, and golden boy, Nate Archibald.) quickly the show became centered on one of the greatest couples of TV, Blair and Chuck. 

And for real, Blair was so much better than Serena. Sorry Blake Lively, but we all just care about Leighton Meester. 

Story of my life. 

7. Spongebob Squarepants (1999-)

I know I'm not even close to alone when I say that I'm 20(almost 21) and still watch this show. This is one of the greatest kid shows that has ever graced the television and it still makes me laugh. (Not the new episodes though. Those are terrible.) 

Morning pep talk

Best reaction face ever.

Best friendship ever.

8. MTV's Catfish (2012-)

This has just sucked me in. It's probably not even technically that bad, but just because it's on MTV it brings a sense of shame with it. It's a show surrounding these two guys who go around helping people find out if their in an online relationship with who they think they are. This show is just baffling and completely cray cray. 

9. Long Island Medium (2011-)

OH. MY. GOSH. No show has ever made me sob so much in my entire life. I literally can't get through an episode without crying hysterically. 

Me at the beginning of the episode:

Me in the middle:

By the end:

10. I Love Lucy (1951-1957)

This isn't even remotely bad. The only reason I have it on this list is because it's not generally a popular show now-a-days. I'm absolutely obsessed. While I do enjoy the dramatics of the other shows, I enjoy the simplicity and innocence of this show and just this whole time period in general. 

Lucy and Ricky are one of the most famous couples ever and the daily antics with them and their neighbors, Fred and Ethel, made for some classic TV moments and make it clear why this show has become such an iconic staple in our country. 

"I Love Lucy was never just a title." 

--Desi Arnaz

I Ain't Even Mad: Part Two

I may not be the most fashion-forward female or be the smartest tool in the shed, but I will say that I have excellent taste in movies. I pride myself in my movie knowledge and admire those who are more knowledgeable than me. However, I can't lie, while I own some of the greatest pieces of cinema magic, like Gone with the Wind or The Dark Knight Rises, they're still sitting right smack dab between my other list of guilty pleasures. While in my previous confession of guilty pleasures in music there was a sense of shame, I feel no remorse in the terrible movies that I've bought in the past and will buy in the future. 

1. The Mummy (1999)

I absolutely love love love love love this movie. 

A) It's all about Egypt and when I was a scrappy young girl I loved ancient Egypt.

B) This movie got me into more action/thriller/scary movies. While rewatching now that I'm older I realize it's not scary or anything of that sort, but when I was 7 that was a different story. I specifically remember asking my sister, "please just tell me when there is no killing going on." and her response was, "Um, there's killing throughout the entire thing." 

I quickly got over it. 

and finally, 

C) Brendan Fraser was such a babe.  

My little 2nd grader self wanted nothing more than to be his recces wife. *swoon*

2. Crossroads (2002)

In case y'all weren't aware, Britney Spears was my teen queen back in the day. I still adore her, but she was everything I wanted to be when I was younger. (you can imagine how much my parents loved that.) So when I found out that she was going to be in a REAL movie, my little fangirling self was just thrilled. You can imagine my despair when my mother wouldn't let me see this in theaters though. It wouldn't be until a few years later when I'd finally be able to watch it because I bought the VHS tape at a yard sale.  

Obviously at the time I loved this movie and thought it was perfect, but now that I'm just so much older and wiser I realize it might not be as good as I remembered. 

I mean, come on, Britney playing a virginal valedictorian? 

Irregardless, I just re-bought this movie on DVD back in April. 

I regret nothing. 

3. Jennifer's Body (2009)

Ohmygoodness I love this movie. It's so terrible without actually being terrible. It's written by the same woman who wrote Juno, so it's that kind of dry humor-esque. I love it. And the soundtrack is the bomb.com. Say what you want about Megan Fox, but she's sexy and then Mr. Seth Cohen from the OC makes a little appearance in it- and for someone who is wearing guy-liner he still looks pretty freaking good. This movie is the shizz.

4. Cruel Intentions (1999)

I clearly did not see this movie when it first came out. It's just been within the last couple of years that I finally saw it and that was because I knew it had created such a culturally significant time for the teens of the 90's. I'm not sure what kind of expectations I had for this movie when I first watched it, but I can tell you it did not end up being what I thought it would. This movie is so strange and to be honest, kinda disturbing on a lot of levels. And yet, it's like a car crash, you want to look away, but you just can't. 

You can't. 

And then by the end of the movie you have such mixed emotions. You're not sure if you thought it was stupid or ingenious. Either way, I bought it and enjoy subjecting myself to it every one in a while.

5. Deep Blue Sea (1999)

In honor of Shark Week this week I obviously had to include this one. 

And going through my list of terrible movies I seem to be noticing a pattern with the year a majority of these came out. Ending the 90's with a bang.

Anyway, this movie is seriously probably one of the worst things I have ever seen. But whatever. No one goes to see a shark movie expecting Oscars, they go because they want to see some people get mangled and just absolutely destroyed. In which case, this movie totally delivered. 

And let's just take a moment of silence to remember Samuel L. Jackson's most beautiful and inspiring scene, shall we?

I can practically feel the tears running down my cheek.

6. The Happening (2008)

You know what, this movie genuinely creeps me out. 

Judge Me.

Come on, I know hearing from others that basically the plants are the killers sounds stupid, but in the movie it makes sense! They say it's because plants know how to communicate with each other and therefore can send out messages and specific chemicals/toxins to kill off whatever they see as a threat. So now over the years they(the plants)figured out that we're the threat so they're killing us to survive. Whatever; freaks me out and I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that when I was walking out of the movie theater and saw a tree blowing in the wind I wasn't thinking to myself, "aw crap I'm gunna die." 

No shame.

7. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

I made some of my friends watch this movie last year and they hated me for it. They thought this movie was awful, but I love it. I mean, it is awful, but that's what makes it so good. It's not scary at all, but I think it's the best 'scary movie' that came out in the time of Friday the 13th and the Halloween movies. Although I think the concept of some creepy old dude being able to kill you WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING is pretty terrifying- especially for someone *cough cough* who could sleep more than a sloth. Plus, this movie was Johnny Depp's first feature film, so thank you, Wes Craven. 

8. Van Helsing (2004)

This movie is kinda ridiculous. I wouldn't say terrible, but just kind....yeah. 

But it has Hugh Jackman in it....and while he's not an amazing actor, he is sexy and watching him kick some evil ass in this movie is enough for me to like it and get past the bad CGI effects and the horrible Transylvanian accents. 

9. Magic Mike (2012)

No shame. NOOOOOOOO SHAME. This movie was everything I'd hoped it would be and more. While obviously no one goes to see this movie for the story line, I was actually impressed by the story line they felt the need to have. It was nothing great, durrr, but once again, I didn't see this expecting some Leonardo DiCaprio-type acting. This movie actually made me a Channing Tatum fan(because honestly, literally couldn't have cared less about him before then). You go watch him dance to 'Pony' and then tell me you don't find him the least bit attractive. DO IT. 

10. Ever After (1998)

This movie isn't even remotely bad and to most of you probably wouldn't even be considered a guilty pleasure. The only reason I consider it a guilty pleasure of mine is because I'm not a big fan of fairytale stories or chick flicks. Even with Disney movies I was never in love with Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. Partially because I don't believe in that 'love at first sight' crap and whatnot. My favorite romance-type movies have always been either 

1) they hated each other first then fell in love- a la Pride and Prejudice  

or 

2) Best friends falling in love- like Hermione and Ron

And don't even get me started on the monstrosity that is Nicholas Sparks. 

Anyway, the reason I think I love this movie is that even though it's supposed to be a "Cinderella Story" it actually showed Danielle and Henry get to know each other and whatnot; being a little more 'realistic' or as realistic as you can get with this kinda thing. I'm just a sucker for this movie.