Ladies, are you sick of being single? Are you ready to mingle? Then fear not- I'm here to give you a few tips on how to catch the man of your dreams and in no time at all!
It's as easy as 1, 2, 3 and no need to whip up the milkshakes, because I promise that AAALLLL the boys will be in your yard.
But first, you have to go find the lucky guy you're going to entrap with your womanly wiles, so...
1. Always travel in a pack with your home girls.
Nothing is less intimidating for a guy than when you're with a HUGE group of other females. I mean, when he sees you with a GIANT entourage of you and your 60 closest friends not only is he going to think you're super popular, but also super safe and responsible(BUDDY SYSTEM!), so he's immediately going to think marriage and mother material.
2. You should dress like a high price escort.
I mean, how else are you going to get a man's attention without showing off all the goods?
Nothing says "I'm ready for a serious commitment" than looking like you could have been one of the 13 women on Tiger Wood's arm.
And what really tops this look off is when you wear 5-inch stiletto pumps that you can't walk in. Nothing sexier than embodying Bambi's first steps.
3. Flirt with your eyes.
The best way to show a guy you're interested in him is to awkwardly glance up at him about 20 times before he will finally come over and talk to you. You're obviously supposed to be playing-hard-to-get so going right up and talking to him would be too forward and save too much time to actually do it. So it's always best to catch his attention just by staring at him for moments at a time where he will then either ask for your number or give you a number for the nearest mental hospital.
Alright, so now you've lured a man in. So how are you going to take the next few dates to the NEXT level to get you to that perfect relationship?
1. Just keep talking.
Men LOVE it when women never stop talking. ESPECIALLY when the girl is just talking about herself. It shows that she's super confident in who she is and not at all insecure. Never ask the men any real questions, because, trust me, they just love the sound of your voice and could listen to it forever. And I think we all know that men are just such great listeners when they're really interested in something- so if you start noticing their eyes glaze over, that's just them really analyzing and taking-in everything you're saying.
2. Let him know how important family is.
You should definitely tell him how your 5-year plan includes getting married, having 6 kids, and moving into a house right next to your parents. It'll show him what's really important in your life and not at all freak him out. Guys love feeling rushed into a commitment.
3. Talk about your exes.
Men LOVE hearing about past relationships. Especially when you're making comparisons. It's a way to help boost your new interest's feelings and in no way makes you look like you're still hung-up on a past flame. So if you ever feel a lull happening in the conversation just bring up how you and your ex never had that problem. It's sure to set the mood for the rest of the evening.
You're now in the committed relationship your heart has be desiring, now how do you keep your man by your side for the rest of your life?
1. Cry. All. The. Time.
Whether it be because you just watched Titanic or just witnessed the Sarah McLachlan commercial, nothing will make your man feel more like a super hero than swooping in to comfort you. Bigger the tears- the better.
2. Always talk about your period.
The cravings, the cramps, the mood swings, the nights of sleeping in the fetal position- a man will never know the complete joy of this womanly trait, so they just want to be let in on the experience. They want to be there FOR YOU. He wants to be sitting right next to you holding the heating pad on your uterus and make his woman feel good again. So don't deprive him of this opportunity, let him be apart of your monthly Shark Week.
3. Always show him your true feelings.
There is no trait sexier to a man than seeing his woman being completely and irrationally jealous. When he catches you snooping through his phone or stalking his Twitter feed, nothing sends his heart fluttering more. It shows you care and that you don't want to lose him. Never mind the complete and utter trust that is shining through in the relationship. So next time you see him talking to your female waitress, it's best to start yelling at him for "checking her out"(I.e. giving her his order) just to show him and everyone around you at the restaurant how much you truly love your man.
*BONUS TIP*BONUS TIP*BONUS TIP*
Be sure to let him know how Taylor Swift is your absolute idol and you worship the ground she walks on. She is such an amazing young woman for young girls to look up to, how could this possibly backfire?
(Author's Note: If you couldn't tell that this post was 100% sarcastic then you make me sad.)
